Texting your roommate at 3 AM after a stranger DMs you a...

Conversation

1. Someone just DM'd me a selfie inside our apartment saying 'thanks for the keys'.
2. Are you serious right now?
3. Not joking — your mug's on the counter and our couch is visible.
4. Send it, don't reply, and don't call the police yet.
5. Why are you telling me not to call the police?
6. Because replying makes them know you're awake and they'll leave.
7. They're already inside, the DM shows our hallway runner and my shoes.
8. Delete the message after I see it, seriously.
9. Sent — look at the picture frame on the shelf.
10. I see it, don't open the DM thread, don't react.
11. Who did you give keys to then?
12. I swear I didn't give keys to anyone.
13. Then how is someone in our apartment taking selfies?
14. Remember when I said I made a spare for 'safety'?
15. You made a spare without telling me?
16. I told you I did, I thought you'd forgotten.
17. No, you said you'd asked the landlord, not copied our key.
18. Okay fine, I made one at the hardware two weeks ago.
19. So who did you give that key to?
20. My friend Sara, she needed a place after getting kicked out.
21. The caption said 'thanks for the keys, Sara,' that's her name.
22. She brought someone over to crash, I didn't think they'd wander.
23. The selfie is of a guy staring straight into the camera, not Sara.
24. Oh my God, I can hear keys in the lock, please don't move.